How I Arrived Here

A couple of days ago, I ran across a journal. I always love finding old journals - they are very special passports to the past - almost better than pictures, they tell me what I was thinking and feeling at a particular point in time. The first entry in the journal was dated 19 June 1999. On the preceding page, I'd written the following quotes:

"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist though any other medium and be lost. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable not how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.." -Martha Graham

"If it isn't absolutely extraordinary, it is a waste of time." -From Dream for an Insomniac

"I am here to live out loud." -Emile Zola

"All your dreams are already coming true." -Sark

Now, all of those quotes still resonate with me today. "Wow", I thought, "I was on to something 10 years ago. I knew what was up." Then I went on to read what I wrote. I didn't remember anything particularly remarkable about 10 years ago. I wrote:

"Jonathan gave me this book, and when he did, I thought it was a really nice book, but I wondered what I would write in it, or what I would use it for. About the same time I was staying up late and I watched a movie, Dream for an Insomniac and I found it delightfully profound. The character Frankie had a motto: "Too many things in life are mediocre. If it isn't absolutely extraordinary, it is a waste of time." I slept on it and decided I should adopt this motto and apply it to my own life. I am in a time of great transition. Everything is up in the air. What a great time, I thought, for reinvention.

"I am not completely unhappy with myself. I do think that there are some things I could definitely improve on. I also need to get to know myself better and I need to learn to listen to my own voice. Now, there are a variety of ways to get what I want to accomplish done. I have decided to design a program for myself that will give me a daily regimen. I think having a regular activity brings at least some small sense of order, and that can't hurt here. I have also decided on some written resources to use as I begin. The largest part of this and the most important is the commitment I must make to myself and the promise I must make not to break it. This reinvention is a 360 degree project. I want to work on my mind, my heart, my soul, my spirituality, and my body. One part must not be focused on more than any other, and in order to succeed, I must excel in all areas."

Again, WOW, right? I was on it! And then I kept reading:

"My Mind - The mind is a gateway to so many things. Clear thinking is the key to many problems that arise in life. I commit to the following exercises to promote self-awareness and clear thinking:" Next I listed 9 activities, among them "watch local or world news everyday to know what is going on in my world, Read everyday, Write in journal each day, Say yes as often as possible and no when needed."

Hmmm....so yes, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of current events (nevermind that my updates typically come in the form of Facebook updates or Twitter posts - I consider myself very lucky to have a diverse group of friends who are good about posting meaty material.) I do read everyday, unfortunately, it tends to be work emails and again Facebook. A voracious reader, I always have a book or two going (check out my nightstand list). I don't journal everyday, and I still haven't mastered saying yes and no at appropriate times. OK - moving on....

"My Heart/My Soul - The way I relate to others directly affects the way I relate to myself (and vice-versa). I commit to the following exercises to promote expressions of love and compassion to myself and others:" Here I listed 18 items. Among them were things like "Choose my most exuberant path, Write letters to tell people how special they are, Be a wonderful friend, Delight myself, Acknowledge and admire my support system, Make others feel special, Say thank-you, Show - don't tell"

I think I've done a little better with this one, but there is still apparent work to do. That path is still unknown - I can't seem to clear away the leaves and twigs that are obscuring it from view. I'm on a mission to find it, though. I'm not horrible about writing letters, but I'm not great at it either. (Also, I love to get mail - L-O-V-E it. I received a letter just today, and it made me feel fabulous. Thanks, Maya.) I'm pretty good at delighting myself. Actually, I'm very good at it. More about that later. I strive constantly to let the people in my life who are special to me know that they are special to me. This may come in the form of "Hey, you know your special to me, right?" or a text to let them know they've crossed my mind and I hope that their day is going well.

"My Spirituality - Any greatness I am able to achieve happens only because a higher power has guided my way. I commit to the following exercises to strengthen my relationship with my God". This list was fairly short, which I find surprising. It included things like "Begin each day with a prayer and tell God what I hope to accomplish for that day, Develop a sight for gorgeous moments and miracles. Thank God for being able to witness them, Realize my blessings"

I'd like to think that I've done a good job with that one, but the truth is I'd have to rate myself a C+ on that one too. I don't pray every morning - the most I typically get out is a "GOD! Is it morning already?" Which, though is type of prayer, isn't the sort I think I had in mind when I made the list. I'd like to think that I pause to see the good things, but I know that I let a lot of them pass me by - not taking the time to witness the beauty in the small things. And I don't realize my blessings. I realize a lot of them, but I know that overall, there are many more that deserve acknowledgment.

"My Body - There must be a balance between mind and body. In order to be happy with who I am, I must be happy with how I look. I commit to the following exercises to promote a healthier lifestyle." Eight items, including "Watch what I eat, Think before I eat, Exercise 1.5 hours each day, When I look in the mirror, pay myself a compliment"

WOOOOOO - I feel bad about even looking at this list. So yes, I do watch what I eat (never eat with my eyes closed) and I do think before I eat (but usually about how good it is going to taste). In all seriousness, I am healthier than I have been in a long time, but I DO NOT exercise 1.5 hrs each day. And when I look in the mirror, I'm pretty open about my feedback, either rating myself a thumbs up (one sexy mama) or a thumbs down (recently released convict). I'm not so hard on me, so I feel like I'm doing pretty good with that one.

Where do all of these lists leave me? Ten years later, it leaves me wondering what I've done with the last ten years. I've accomplished quite a bit, yes, but what about that path? Is it really so hard to watch a bit of news in between the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Gossip Girl, and True Blood?

So I kind of feel like I've been shxtting around, and I just need to get on with it. No, I can't mapquest my most exuberant path, but there is something someone once said about seeking and finding. That's why I'm here. I'm seeking Sidney. Desperately. And I invite you to come along for the ride and share your journey with me as well. Tell me - where are you headed?